Don’t Swallow the Horse

Do you all remember the children’s book, I know an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly?  It was about an old woman who swallowed a series of increasingly larger and larger insects and mammals: a fly, spider, bird, cat, dog, goat. Somehow though upon swallowing a horse — THAT — was too much. Well that makes sense…

I remember being terrified whenever the teacher brought that book out to read. Seriously, a book about chronic over-eating, animal abuse and erupting stomach lining?

I bet the creators of American Horror Story loved that story.

Don’t get me started on Ring around the Rosie.

I am a serial killer.

I sit, in the dark, alone.

The thoughts come to me about my next victim. I know where she goes for coffee after her run. I know where he picks up his fifth of Bourbon after work. I see the silhouette of a family playing board games at their kitchen table through their drawn shades. I have groomed them all with love and care.

I know my weapons. I know how they feel in my hand. I see them on my basement table, gleaming in the light from the single exposed bulb shining down from the ceiling.

It’s just a matter of time now. I know their routines. I know the date they will die. I know which weapon will undo their lives. I know I will kill them.  I revel in the upcoming slaughter. The woman I kill slowly. The man I kill quickly. The family — oh that precious, sweet family — I will kill one at a time starting with the youngest as the others watch.

It’s my passion. I savor their struggle at my hand like I the salty taste of a fine caviar on my tongue. People die to sate my longings. Their pain, to me, is sublime beauty

I am a serial killer.

Or perhaps I should say, my character is a serial killer…

What are you doing?

Today I am trying desperately to gather algae from the pond so I can dry it and place inside a fold of Chinese cabbage leaf so I can feed the elders of my order. I’m just learning and it is not easy to gather it without falling into the pond. What are you doing?

The Marketing Morass

Ug. The worst part of being an Indie Author, for me, is creating the query letters, varying synopses, and marketing tools needed to get a book into the hands of buyers. It takes months to create credible and productive sales strategies.

Cover letters, query letters, introductory letters.

Complete synopsis, single-page synopsis, pitch synopsis.

Identifying audience, courting audience, capturing audience.

Agents, publishers, distributors.

It is, however, the work necessary to become a self-sufficient writer. So I trudge forward…

(Still hate it tho!)

What are you doing?

Today I am in high orbit above Mars floating in zero gravity ready chamber of the Mars Space Station. My colleague and I are in our underwear putting on diapers for our space walk to attach a new array of cameras on the exterior robotic arm of the station.  What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Today I am sitting in a laboratory several levels underground perfecting the equations for Uniform Gravity Nullification, a theory written by Evgeny Rodlketov found and sold after the fall of the Soviet Union to the highest bidder. The highest bidder happened to be my boss and I’ve essentially been trapped here since, did I mention the theory was sold in 1996?

What are you doing?